there is a reason the picture
is in very dark lighting
and no it's not my photography skills
ok maybe part that
anyway i'm gona join a biker gang
and change my name to connie rey
ok so i just wrote this short
in the past two days or less
it's majorly incomplete
but i had 2 turn something in
b4 deadline
i tried desperatly to change
names, curcumstances
for protection and all
you'll get it when u read
a little bit of the short...the rest is posted under comments:
"Courtney was one of the two of my clients who made up reports of child abuse against me. Completely fabricated. Apparently not at all uncommon among staff. I didn't get it. I was wearing pajamas to work. Not shaving. Not bathing sometimes. Wearing sweats. Big clothes. Tons of layers. Trying my hardest to make myself unappealing. Making it all my fault they were hitting on me I guess."
ok i'm going to bed, i hope
1 comment:
warning: i tried to change details, names, specifics for obvious, paranoid reasons. but i’m not perfect. well i’m perfect. the computer not so much.
I RAN INTO AN OLD CLIENT TODAY -- RANDOM YES!
SEPTEMBER 2005 (C) PUGNPUNK PRODUCTIONS
-----------------------------------------------
I ran into an old client today. Walking down Las Palmas on the way home…after riding my bike 3 miles to the bike shop for repairs. Another pleasantry bestowed upon me after making that enormous and completely moronic, without a second of rationalization…the decision that ended with me being without a car or license for over a year. Trips to the bike shop for repair at the some seem a mandated party of my life it seems, almost since purchasing the top of the line, bike I choose mostly because it was by far my favorite aesthetically at least (I’m not ready to confront the price issue, thank you very much). Back to seeing Courtney. She was with a boy…of course and a boy who undoubtedly had no idea her little secret. I did -- all too well -- and yet one of my initial reactions after being stoked to see her out of program and somewhat going at it alone yet I kept thinking was…her make-up still the same. In hindsight I think, ohh well -- all a boy can do is try. She had lost some weight -- lost her belly. But still looked good, healthy. Not like she was emotionally eating back when I was seeing her in a clinical relationship…bingeing and purging…man did her own struggle bring up more than I wish to share about the parallel issue’s I myself still battle fist to fist. Different circumstances, particulars – yes to that I agree wholeheartedly. However, the battle…the struggle…the embedded hardcore unconscious issues are bon e fide same truth.
At first she said hi. I responded with the same hi. All the while I kept walking in my direction, yet a million thoughts ran through my head. Should I stop and talk? Can I stop and talk? My contract and the suites I worked for said no out of work contact with past or present clients -- but I quit. Fuck it I decided. My compassion won over per usual and I desperately wanted to know how this lost 15 yr. old with a twenty-foot wall, complete with alligator infested motes, guarded her amazingly beautiful and all loving heart. She was in so much pain when I knew her, struggling to find herself, confused, distorted, and not to mention stuck in the “system”. Her pain was palpable and out of all the clients I would have to say – I felt her pain the most. Letting myself feel any of their pain was my first big mistake. A mistake I will pay for the rest of my life somehow in some form. But my god this child struggling to claim and own her identity now, as a woman will forever be an imprinted part of my heart strings.
The conversation was brief, partly because I was very uncomfortable and apparently she felt the same I guess assuming I may slip and tell her new man her story, still doubting everyone she was. I turned around and said. Hey Courtney, what’s up? She looked and me and giggled. The main reason Courtney would not be receptive to any attempts I was trying to connect with her not to mention her own life struggles -- was that she had a major crush on me from day one. A barely 15 year old; I was some 23 mixed up wacky authority in her life. I’d like to flatter myself and say maybe my stability and consistency were a factor she favored having never fully experienced it in her life. Although, initially working with her as I client I found her feelings absurd (though wouldn’t dare tell her such), fascinated by the fact someone liked me…less is more that much. I after all was at a positive point in my life where I could barely stand myself. I started to distance myself clinically from her; focusing solely on my guardianship responsibilities and nothing deeper while I was with her. She resisted this and of cause she didn't understand. Why I wasn't spending as much time with her and telling her stories, it was her big thing. One of the methods I used sharing some parts of my past. Altering details here and there, to ensure I was making the story untraceable. Purely heart to heart with the feelings, and the details...so unimportant.
She stepped two steps forward. I swear I stepped two back. Courtney was one of the two of my clients who made up reports of child abuse against me. Completely fabricated. Apparently not at all uncommon among staff. I didn't get it. I was wearing pajamas to work. Not shaving. Not bathing sometimes. Wearing sweats. Big clothes. Tons of layers. Trying my hardest to make myself unappealing. Making it all my fault they were hitting on me I guess.
Or maybe trying to make them not find me attractive. Because I felt why waste my time talking to someone. If they were only listening because they were attracted to me. I wanted to reach these kids. I wanted to change their lives overnight. Then I decided who cares why they are talking to me. They are talking to me. And choosing to talk to me. About their problems, program, but about there lives. I made the borders clear. I over stepped them on more than one occasion. I was forced to risk their trust by writing up specific serious offenses. Or something I gave them a chance with. They all got a warning with me. Behavior doesn't change overnight. Yea I might have been crossing rules. But I wasn't license. I did a few days of training and based my experience records in paper form I was given this opportunity. I felt it was my job to use it to the best of my ability not violating my boundaries. Simply mine. A rule once in a blue moon may be a good thing.
I looked at her and laughed. She was high. And the first words out of her mouth are "I’m stoned yea - just weed". The kids hated me because I always knew who was high and on what. I studied her eyes. I had learned to tell the difference from being fucked up on booze, weed vs. crystal meth. I couldn't tell I still prosecuted for it. part of the reason being I had to. I had been warned many times for being too lax on. so our deal became if they are honest and tell me the entire truth. I’ll take it to staff & social workers at our meetings. and we'd take it to her peers in our group, and they'd vote whether she should get another chance. or if we should terminate her. they had no idea we couldn't terminate them. but I told them we would. the staff and social worker were on board. at least we would be aware exactly their issues. exactly what's going on. our program was full of checks and balances. higher and higher up idiots. so the individual houses ran their own program quite different based on what works best.
back to Courtney this shit's getting fucked up. I can't even believe the all the insanity.
I asked if she was still in program? She said she was home now. Home where she could do what ever she wanted as I well knew without her sharing. I said I was glad she was doing well. She swore she just got out of school. It was 2 o'clock. I said was glad she's in school anyway.
-----------------------------------------------
The above material is intended solely for entertainment purposes, and meant to be read by the individual or entity to which an individual elects to read and may contain information that is privileged, confidential, and/or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of this communication is prohibited. Please notify us immediately if you have received this communication in error and shred the attached documents. Please call if the copy you received is incomplete or illegible. COPYRIGHT © 2006 PugNPunk Productions | 7095 Hollywood Blvd. Ste. 486 Hollywood, CA 90028 | 323.769.5855 (service/fax) } ® All rights reserved.
Post a Comment