12 step programs

I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for saying this, who are we kidding I was going to hell long ago. I do not get twelve step programs. I mean I’m all for anything that helps someone get better. But how naïve is it to believe ones life is fully manageable by just following twelve steps. Twelve steps to changing a flat on a car? Maybe. I wouldn’t know I’ve never done it. Lets break this down.

The first step is to admit you are powerless and your life has become unmanageable due to blank (insert ailment, drug, alcohol, addiction here). Frankly if one has really become “powerless” and their life is “unmanageable” then I think whatever they’re wasting time in that meeting for is probably the least of their problems.

The second step is realizing that a power greater than oneself will return one to sanity. What power are we talking about? A chemical plant? Let’s face it, and trust me on this, when you’re sanity is gone – IT’S GONE!

The third step is something about turning your life over to god…blah di blah blah. It’s boring and stupid. If I’m turning my life over to anyone it’d be to the state and only after due process and trail by jury.

The fourth, and this is where the shit starts to get good, is to make a “searching” and “fearless” moral inventory. First of all, an inventory that’s moral? Isn’t that an oxymoron? You know people always fudge the numbers when they do that kinda shit. I mean I know every time my liquor store has a few bottles of Grey Goose missing when they do inventory. Yet, Sanji hasn’t said a word to me about it. And they have cameras. It’s just not worth the effort.

The fifth you have to admit to said god and a fellow groupie all your wrongs. I’m guessing this would be what you recorded from said inventory. Which we have already learned no one wants to put forth the effort to ensure that is done correctly. See above about my pal Sanji.

The sixth says you have to be ready to let god, as you see god to be, to remove your defects of character. First of all if there really was this so called god, and she was really willing to take the time away from her schedule that’s booked for months in advance to remove your little character defects individually. Defects, mind you, she gave you since she is the creator (right?) - then I certainly wouldn’t have near as many failed relationships that’s the god damn truth!

And of course in the seventh this powerful, generous, mind-changing god (what a woman!) removes your shortcomings. Talk about a major score and all because steps six and seven say so!

Steps eight and nine are my favorite. This is where whatever the person is stepping their way out of, well basically it all goes to shit. These steps are all about making lists of all people you’ve wronged and making amends to them. Now seriously, when’s the last time your buddy whose in AA apologized to you for that time you picked his blacked out carcass off the couch he just peed and rolled him on his side so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit? Or your friend saying, “you remember i used to steal all your shit to pawn for smack…my bad”? Bare in mind we already know most of these ‘friends’ are total liars and it doesn’t matter what they say. You wouldn’t believe them anyway, right?

In step ten you continue to do all of the above – admitting when your wrong and making amends. Now this is totally bullshit and I’m saying it. We all know at least a few people “working the steps”. And you KNOW every single one of the sons of bitches is the most selfish person in the world. They are never wrong and could give two shits whatever logical, sane reason you might have to debate them. They’re way too busy thinking about themselves. Just like children and Paris Hilton.

Step eleven totally discredits the earlier steps as it says through prayer and meditation (not medication as originally I had read) you are to constantly strengthen your relationship with god and referring to said god as Him. First of all, we already established earlier that god is a woman. Second, in step eleven (I know – enough with the numbers already) it says god AS YOU UNDERSTAND TO BE. They tell you to understand god as you see fit, and then later say god is a dude. What if someone understood god to be a transsexual or a beautiful phoenix (a mystical fictional creature – google it)? You can see where people start to loose their faith can’t you?

The twelfth step is the one I know all people in these programs are hooked on. Ironic as I thought you were supposed to “work the steps” in order. As we’ve already established going in order people would have jumped ship long ago. However this step may be informative for some. It talks about spreading the message of the steps to other people with said affliction (formerly referenced as blank; see above). That’s why everyone in a fucking program talks about nothing but the program, how much everyone would benefit from going to the meetings. They’ve got every reason in the world, every excuse in the book to try to peer pressure you to going just once – swearing it will change your life forever. Seriously if sitting around listening to a bunch of strangers “share” (gripe!) their experience for an hour is going to do anything for me, whatever that is count me out. You can find me in the valley trying to score weed.

Perhaps the ultimate horror is saved till the end of the whole process. At the end of each meeting the cigarette smoke and coffee aroma filled room all hold hands and say some sort of cultish mantra. Seriously, if you want to hold hands and chant so bad – join a monastery for god sakes!