as i pack my bags for another trip down south
i sit awake with trepidation & anticipation
these things can go one way or the other
with the blink of an eye
i've almost canceled this trip 2 many times
thinking myself too vulnerable for the task
i have a rule now - i don't visit the family
unless i'm in the best head space i can be
as the ones we grew up with seem to
innately adapt to fuck it all up
with little knowledge or awareness
as to their doing so in the first place
god knows i'm the master at the game
the game i try so desperately not to play
when i'm visiting the fam
i want that time to be special
i need that time 4 me
the latter part of my day was spent with a new friend
new yet oh so familiar to me it was stinging
as we went along our journeys i listened, and watch
trying to be an outsider, peering in
as he manipulated & connived
deceived & mind fucked
difficult to experience
hard to take in
but i have a deep respect for him
not in ideal head space currently
this i see, same as his enchanting green eyes
we all do pretty uncharacteristic, trite acts
during the dark times, all is foggy & clouded
somehow i found a way to maintain my boundaries
speak to him my truth while not crapping on his
we had a great evening in spite of uneasiness
this shit would have sent me in a tailspin
i have grown this i know
foreshadowing, perhaps
but at least i feel fully prepared
for the journey ahead
peace
