Paula Poundstone

I'm sick maybe I made myself sick
The mind is a powerful thing
Mine is out of fucking control

New years eve
I've got an engagement
Hosting/comedy
Whatever u want 2 call it
For a friends lounge/bar/club
Tonite

I do not want 2 do it
My voice is going
I'm coughing
And nasal floudage
To the max

I'm watching paula pondstone
Bravo special from a series
3 funny ladies
Paula is a brave soul
A powerful woman
I don't think she knows

About 3 years back
I was eating in sm
Mexican resteraunt
With friends

Paula came in
With her 3 kids
Sat across the room
2 eat as a family

My friends were making me
Fight the urge 2 say hello
Needless to say
They lost

She got up
2 go to pee
I assume
I jumped

Hey I'm sure u don't know me
I said to this woman
Still outwardly suffering
From her public crusifixtion
Unjust

Im an aspiring comedian
I told this woman
Even in her darkness
Glowed brighter than ever

You are so funny
You are better than this
Get back up there
I know u have stuff 2 say
And we will listen

Thank you very much
She replied
Avoiding eye contact

Last ditch effort
As I see my friends
Bright red with embarrisment
Out of the corner of my eye

Just do it
Stand up
Joke
Make us laugh
U are worth it

She made brief contact
Eye to eye
Said maybe u r rite
Never give up
This genius told me

Never give up
A theme 4 me
More than a few
Sucessful people
I've admired
Have told me this
I still think
Of throwing in the towel
Almost daily

Paula's back
Better than ever
Funny. Laughing.
Making the world
A brighter place.

Ok now a nap
I've got 2 do it
Tonight
In spite of myself
Here we go...

Last night

Standing in line
For over an hour
Chattin' it up
With the sprinkles peps

I was in rare form
To say the least
Entertainer mode
Activated

There is no better people watching 2 me
Than standing on line in beverly hills
To get your hands on 500 calorie treats
I love it

This kid walks out
His gate off, funny face
Me, not thinking, shock
Make a comment
Inapropriate 2 say the least

Scott he's got a development disorder
A girl behind me politely wispers
No he doesn't I say, convincing myself
Sorry I think he does, his mom just gave u da bird
Tack for 5000 alex

Later in the evening
Cupcakes delivered
Gifts distributed
Calories out of my hands

Sitting in my favorite booth
At my lattest all time fav spot
With a few friends...starving
The kitchen just closed
Our could give a shit cocktail server
Tells us

I make an imediate move for the cell
Kung pao bistro on speed dial - sad but true
Chineese food on its way - 30 min or less
I go outside 2 smoke
Tell the GM I ordered food
Don't be hatin'

He rolls his eyes
Just eat behind
The curtain
Roping us off
From them
He requests
I oblidge of course

My friends say
Who do you think u r
Ordering food 2 a lounge
That sells food
Hungry was my responce
As I grab my pom martini
Which someone bought 4 me
And off I go

Need...desire...want
Fullfill
That
Is
My
Brain

I don't see it as being anything but normal

Happy 2007 World!

me vs you - a life long battle

watching ellen degenres
interviewed by diane sawyer
old interview
all good stuff

last night i crossed a line
fuck that i crossed all the lines
got drunk 4 the first time
well drunk drunk
out of control
since the whole
d-dub incident
and my sobriety period

i was rude, crude, and mean
to people i love and care about
sorry doesn't even seem to be close
to enough to express how i feel 2 them
i like to think it comes from a humorous place
telling myself what i want to believe

i mix up anger and humor a lot lately
writing like crazy, stand-up comedy
i do not work best scripted
this much i know
setups...scenarios...topics
i find being pulled from my musings

stand-up is rooted in anger
some point - exasperated view
it's the craft, the art not life
i'm searching for this balance
between my art, my life, and me

trump says he thinks rosie has issues
first of all, if u r gay & say u don't
u are lying to yourself
being gay is not a fun ride at times
u are an outcast
from the world
in u r own family

i have issues 2 resolve
things to work thru
and will till the end of time
alcohol is a mask
of which i have so many
behind which i hide
scared to come out
and say hello

authentic
real
pure
me

the morning after

xmas is over
come and gone
another year
survived

today
humbling
frustrating
liberating
4 me

boundaries held
in spite of myself
thinking i may hurt
self respect's a bitch

james brown died this am
living legend he
now gone

ok so i'm utubing
again

how do i book these guys
we need to do some #s
STAT!

merry merry

as i type this
mind u
i am in my suit
at a posh hotel
on sunset blvd

my view of the hills
and the strip
with a bonus
a view into
someone i 'know'
house

i pretty sure he's not there
someone is though
in a cap
watching tv

i'm about to go on a mission
2 sneak pug into this bitch
because what's a xmas
without a pug

tom i will do something new
serve food downtown
then 'entertain' gay youth
homeless - 1 hour i got
entertain?
i didn't ask then
now i wonder
do i need to bring crafts?

i'll just do some schteck
really gay
totally badass
shake hands
talk
interact
reach out

this holiday i can not help but remember
over 1,780,000 families will have
an empty seat
at their holiday
celebration

a war
the cost of
$352,853,208,814
rite now
according 2 my site

doesn't seem to even scratch the surface 2 me

adendum

the proof is in the pudding
all greatness in life
is connection
2 degress

i know way too much u tube

trail blazer

so tonite on u tube
waiting 4 itunes DL
bravo's funny ladies
i decide to search
joan rivers

an icon
brilliant
she
always
a hero
2 me

so by chance
i go 4 it
joanrivers.com
a hit
qvc
i'm sure
not her

joan always seemed
to distant
to far
to it
2 reach

it's her
a blog
all her
seriously
happy holidays
2 me

joanrivers.com
a legend
i'm grateful
for u

from joan's blog:
A friend of mine who is a typical New York matron, bumped into an old friend of her deceased mother’s on Madison Avenue. She invited the lady, who is 83, to tea. As they sat sipping their tea and eating their scones they began to talk about her late mother. My friend’s mother had been an artist, a philanthropist and a good church lady who lived a quiet family life. “Tell me something about my mother,” my friend asked the old dowager sitting opposite her. “Oh, your mother,” the woman said, smiled softly, “She was a slut. She was totally promiscuous and none of us trusted her. She was a man eater all her life. When she died I said that God wouldn’t trust her alone with St. Peter.”

My friend rushed home to call me. She was terribly upset, “I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! My mother slept with everyone!”

After I hung up I tried to figure out how I felt about this. Frankly, I think it’s wonderful. Good that her mother had a life. Good that her mother had fun. Life goes very fast and we will all be pushing daisies much too soon.

How do you feel? Would it upset you if you found out that your mother had been a slut?

happy xmas 2 tamale

"Dinner party"

Banished 2 the smokers porch
Sole smoker at a dinner party
I should quit...quitters r loosers
Rosie odonnell n donald trump
Loosers

Well I may have 2 side with rosie
Ro not giving a fuck. Donald plugs his show.
Stupid shit

Xmas in a hotel
Here we go
Again

This time...my choice
Gona make it right

holidays

this year 4 da holidays
i'm trying hard 2 focus
on those who r no longer
with us

to realize how grateful
i must be 4 everything
and everyone i have got
in my life

this u tube clip hillarious
someone now gone
but always
with us

today i got the best gift
stay & spa @ the modorian hotel
from my agents and such
gratitude

i will waste no time
i'm booking my suit
x-mas eve 4 all of us
2 get to gather
in peace

real world

-Just got the real world
Denver
On dvd

I'm 2 eps in
Colie n davis
I llllove

Colie
Alexs mom
Don't b a slut
What a tool

Davis
If u read this
Call me
Haha

Gnite world

now a special programing break 4 an educational message

So I really don't know if anyone agrees with me, but I've wondered for the longest time how the fuck psychologists, psyciatrist, life coaches -- cuz I've been to them all. No joke, one of my first memories is being in play therapy. Talk about some mother fucking messed up shit right there. Anyone feel me? No ok I guess it's just me. For the reals though, play therapy. That shit fucked me up from day one. No I mean literally day one. I don't know how old I was -- but I had just started talking. So what i must have been six or seven? Yea that's got to be about right. My parents refuse to talk about any of it. Because it was downhill fast, I mean being on the rapid during rush hour in LA rapid. I could have been twelve, who knows.

If no one got me on the play therapy thing -- and why the fuck do I think someone would...I liek to think I'm not alone I guess. I fucking suffered. Bad scene. Ok I'm done moping - for now. Another desperate attempt though some people gotta feel what I'm talking...therapy, counseling. Common' I know at least one or two of you motherfuckers reading this has got ten lucky getting your drunk ass arested. And among the countless other benifits it awards, you then had the fortunate oppertunity to go to court ordered counseling programs for the eternity of your lfie. I'm just glad I don't have a wife. Because if I did, I'm not gona lie. I would be in jail again for beating her ass. I mean don't get me wrong I love me the ladies. I love girls...to spend a day with...a night...but I L-O-V-E being able to take them home. Kinda like babies. Although, much cuter. You ladies overthink things. Wasted energy if you ask me. That's why us smart ones -- the men. Elect to spend that energy killing as many braincells as possible so that we don't having to worry to try to think about things at all. Dead's honest truth until I started to really have best friends, fuck those bitches are my family -- and the first thing I got from really getting intimate with you chicks was my contant worry that I overthought things an insane amount was imediatly gone. Poof! My point and I do have one...was...see what happens? Man, I get destracted so easily with girls -- you've got that thing down pat I'll give you that no contest. I need some more of that shit -- I can't even get on a lot I used to work on without ten forms of ID. Girls, walk right on. Gay security guards rarely effective. The ladies got it. End of this random deleavation, wana know what my mom said after years of just working her non stop to give me some insight I could get? So funny. My mother. I love her. She didn't even say it in full voice. It was just her and I in her house -- she wispered the shit first of all and right after darted upstairs. But the point is I broke her! One point for my god damn lame ass team finally! So anyway, she lost it...pissed...tip toeing over to me. She's gotta give. So she get's in close to my ear. And wispers faster than I've ever heard a southern woman say anything -- yet stil maintain they're lovely 'twang' -- 'power of the puss'. And runs upstairs. Do you love it? I do.

My point, psychologists. Hopefully someone is still with me here. So yea I just went back to school. Very part time. Ok I barely go. But I still am in it -- so yea for education! I've decided to study for my doctorate in psychology -- not medical doctorate. Hell no, I obviously do not have that kind of time. But I'm learning a lot about how people get all raped up in thier bullshit. Except for myself of course. Perfect. So yea I'm in this kinda exclusive, expensive program right. It's well respected in the shrink bizz -- but no one knows about it. But people are paying a lot and doing a lot to go there. I pay for classes that I don't even end up taking without remorse...mind you. These future the-rapist are workin' hard for the money -- that's all I'm saying. Such interesting characters. Faculty, staff, students, faculty and staff spouce students, characters every single one. But the thing is, is they're all fucking nutbags. Now don't get me wrong I love me some crazy people. But like girls -- she I was on point all along. Like my ladies, I like to take my crazies home. Preferably they take themselves...I just say buh-bye. So I'm freaking out about this. They're all getting educated and certified at this posh new agey program with rep yo. I'm like these people are oging to be the worste shrinks in the world. after about 15 I already had. So I'm talking to my shrink about this - well shrinks. Yea I've been really hoped up on the psychopharmocolgy fix for a while now. I totally know what Brooke Shides was talking about now. Always repected her thru it. But not gona lie, I g-e-t it! Good stuff. Tom Cruise, not so much. I met him, when I was a scientologist for about six month's. Oh yea! Great material. You'll have to buy the book on that one.

So final point, I get up the nerve to talk to my shrinks about it. At the time I had two - working together mind you. Now I have one - and am two weeks without any of my little happy pills. The blues, greens, pinks. See what I'm talking about? But uggg the big ass whites were the best. Man I miss that shit. Been doing a lot, A LOT of research on the medical weed tho. Got a doctor's number who makes housecalls for it -- don't get me wrong. Oh and where'd I get this doctor willing to come to my house and cut me a huge deal on his price? From one of my buddies at school...oh yea! Alright this is turning way tomuch for me to read, and I'm writing it. But, so you want to know what my shrinks' said? You in? They laughed. Still are laughing. Almost a year later. Apprently all the shrinks go through this. We think we're crazy and get driven into studying it to fix ourselves. So it's all a bunch of crazy people -- all differnt colors of the rainbow too. So my educational message, which was my thesis to begin with is this....next time you're paying 250 bucks for a 40 minute hour reaching down to the core of your soul to give this trained, educated, liscenced fucker who worked hard for the money -- just remember there's a huge possibily they aren't listening to a god damn word. Try it sometime. Next time you're in court ordered treatment, of course. Throw some crazy random shit in there. 9 times out of 10...doesn't even register. So glad I was able to help someone today. Now I really got to find that doctor's number and make a call. What they say is so true, giving back pays off ten fold. Namistay.

lil sue williams

i took the bus today
and met a new friend
when i first got on
i noticed a faint smell
urine

then i noticed her
lil sue sititng, talking
to an overweight man
who had no hair on his legs
trying 2 convert her

first thing i saw her boots
all purple, rhinestone, hot
next her little handbag
one handle, cloth, childlike
ratty jeans and jacket
i wish i had worn my contacts

she kept repeating things
a comfortale familiraity
her husband just died, yesterday
she is a nurse now, just got off
she has money now, in her pocket
the guy kept on trying
jesus loves u

then lil sue turned him around
asked him about hot guys @ church
she was horny, she reported
in a scarey, bone chilling manner
he denined her

then she asked about his apartment
can he bring girls back there
i watched in awe
he had a roommate he said, but could
he was going to church he repeated
would she like to come along

then lil sue, always working
asks a reasonable question
if u r talking 2 someone on the bus
whose obviously not well
asking them to go to church
u gona buy me lunch or something
no he replied - and got off the bus

the page turned at this point
she was alone on the bench
me across form her
she kept repeating things from her last conversation
nurse. money. husband. grief. death. sad.
looking at me with warm, blood stained eyes

that suck's i finally chorted back
quick i had to change the subject
i was talking to her but not about this
i quickly said i like your boots
oh thanks she says, i'm a fashion designer
i live in beverly hills, only hang out
with celebrities, mercedes owner
as she reachded into her little broken bag
to take another pull of her wonder tonic

oh really that sounds like a lot of fun
i replied not about to argue...i was in
loving ever minute

you can come sit over by me she says
i won't bite - i cross bus benches
when i sit down i put out my hand
2 shake and meet my new friend 4 real
hi i'm scott i say extending peace
lil she says pausing - excuse me i say
that's my name she says defensivily
lil sue williams

nice 2 meet you i say
she goes back to the death, husband
as she is talking i feel something
a cold damp feeling on my shorts
i had not noticed before
i smell and realize i am sitting
right in the middle lil sue's bathroom

don't move
you can't
ask her ?s
is she on meds
does she see someone
reach out
u r better than this
not a snob
all rushing
thru my head
i stay

do u take meds i ask
she goes off
no
hates drugs
she's clean
she says
over
and
over

ok ok i say good for you
what about a psychologist?
have u seen one about the death
no she says i should
i should get back into scientology
i was so happy when i was there
oh god i thought
here we go again
buckle up

she went on for 5 minutes
maybe more while i sat
illuding i care
bleeding empathy
curiosity
y

what do you do she asked
i study psychology
1 of 20 ansewrs i have 4 this ?
which is so common
a desperate jump 2 connect

all this ironic
as i just got my dl
was on the way 2 get my new lexus
i had left last night
at a premiere party
after drinking way too much
expensive champagne

enuf about sue 4 now

*****************************************

tuesay night i will make jokes
about my new friend sue
out of love and respect
as is what i try 2 do
with all my art

stand up is rooted in truth
exagerated, changed, twisted
in a way the audience will
relate 2 the truth
as well as the surealism
ahh life

insane week

already titled my email
and yet haven't writen
but it seemed 2 true
to me...it is wed
fyi

today my 2nd day
this week working
still seems not right
to say i'm working
again

not that i'm complaining
it needed to happen
but for so long i've been
on my own time schedule
working, making cash
yes
but my hours

i hadn't worked in tv
for almost 3 years
except 1 or 2 lil spots
till last week
they seemd 2 like it
whatever

last week of the quarter
i'm going to confess
i split water on my mac
if my dad reads this site
i'm fucked 4 years to come
yes 3x now i've done it
all different computers
uggg i annoy myself
sometimes

it's rigged, not near fixed
at a minor out of pocket $
major memory, tech speak
lost most my saved shit...99%
writing, papers, nothing 2 serious
i couldn't all redo just b4
time was too late

today i bought a collective holiday gift
4 all

redesign of an old idea
that most hadn't seen
a vintage, collectors version
of an old design
4 an my other site
now funny, stupid, me
with this one instead
whatever

i'll have a dozen of them left 2
with nothing 2 do with
except collect dust
it was the max i could stretch
this year 2 give to all i feel i must
bullshit huh

actually they're cute
i think
clever to, i think
fuck people can use them 2 clean
or workout with
or wear them daily
it's the thought
right

ive put a lot of energy into
the design today 2 perfection
and now wasting more on this
my silling little email
2 the world wide web
not that i don't love all 12 of u
who read regularly

those who still come back
from non english nations
god bless
but do u know
what i'm saying

i digress further
back to work now
haha my life's a joke
yet i have stress
what the fuck ever

bye 2 my people
of whom i love all

ONE BIG GAY POST

I AM IN LOVE WITH ADAM JOSEPH
1ST FOUND HIM ON GAY PIMPIN'
JONNY MCGOVERN'S PODCAST
FAGOTY ATTENTION REMIX
LOVE IT

THEN HIS NEW CD
HOW I SEEEM TO BE
THE VIDEO
FLOW WITH MY SOUL
VOTE FOR IT
ON LOGOONLINE
TOP 10 4 2006
WATCH IT BELOW

ANOTHER GAY MOVIE
I CAN NOT GET ENUF
OF THIS HACKY FILM
GOT A DVD COPY
A FEW WEEKS BACK
I'VE SEEN IT 12 TIMES
AT LEAST

IT'S IN LIMITED RELEASE
RIGHT NOW CHECK IT OUT
IN THEATER'S NEAR YOU
'THE BEST BUTT LOVE
IS WITH SOMEONE U LOVE'

THAT IS ALL
FROM ME
2 DAY
PEACE YALL