2NITE: w/o thought - push.. send to the blog

SOME BOTTOM LINE THINKING -- from scottiscool.net

i need a journal program. because writing this stuff doogie style would rock my world. in treatment, my primary kept telling me the trauma of my molestation would replay itself in my life. specifically she, a recovering sex addict, put it all about sex. which made me so turned off to the idea. i even shared my last package in the mail with group -- a copy of a bible (stolen from a hotel I'm sure) with Jesus's word's highlighted in red. Then a used book copy of "The Broken Image", a book from 1981, all about curing your homosexual urge through christ life. A gift from a boyfriend of a decade ago -- imagine that.

i most definitely have a big ass button on spirituallity -- the pieces all connect. unfortunately i'm working a 5000 piece puzzle without a puzzle table. i make up things that make sense to me -- but they give me such hope & light that I'm starting to get it.

how my trauma replays is something i can't even describe in words. all i can say is at those crucial moments -- minutes if that. i completely checked out of my body. i was somewhere else. somewhere safe.

i see my trauma replaying by re-inacnting that behavior. putting myself in situations where i may not come out on the other end in one piece. relying on that innate skill set to survive. and its in those moments of testing myself, i'm given some kind of reassurance that i can. and i will.

however the behaviors that lead me to those, too often to admit, moments are so out of my value system -- they are behaviors of some other being i do not even know. yet i know all too well. whether its a night of risky drug use, or a night of equally risky sexual behaviors. hell on a good night some of both -- don't threaten me with a good time.

however, the most difficult part about putting all this into reality is -- just that its reality. denial and subconscious excuses i won't tolerate anymore. doing something about it will become paramount in my life. obsessive to a degree.

i've always had such a negative connotation on new years resolutions -- and how by the calendar aging a single digit it was as if we have been given a free pass and make a couple out of reach goals to strive too, and eat some lucky foods, and you're set for the next year. let me tell you how many times that bitch has come back to bite me in the ass!!

so it's a new year & a new me... and i'm doing shit my way. i'm going to make some "resolutions" to myself on my birthday -- a month away. and god knows i'll have high expectations when i sit with myself on what those will be. but it's all about me. celebrating the gift to be alive another year. to be able to check in with myself, re-eval, and make a game plan for the future.

for me, right now -- that's a good thing.