BUS TALES

I was groggy, didn't want to commute to class less is more go -- and i was on my way to the alleged bus stop when i was approached by an older gentleman wearning pieces of what at some point in time had to be clothes. i was smoking and he came up in my face and asked for an extra cigerette. catch me in a good mood, i totally will help a brother out with a cig like that. Every so often something pulls my heartstrings and I'll give them some cash...more often buy a lunch at a fast food joint my treat so i can pick thier brain. however, after wasting so much time, energy, and effort trying to save the homeless i've realized through my own experiences and projects done in sociology and psychology class -- who says they want to be helped. So I tend not to enable the whole process by induldging beggers that often anymore -- except of course for a good sign.

My point, and I do have one is this. The many finally leaving me alone (as I put my iPod to not be roped in by his chaotic behavior and speech issues) and goes to stare at himself in a store window. I wonded to myself for quite some time and still will what exactly happened in his obviously full years on earth to drive him out of reality. I wondered if he had chlidren, grandchildren, or any friends or relatives. And did they know where he was, how to contact him or was hope just given up. I am not negating the fact some of his choices -- and what he ended up doing as a reaction to things both awesome or horric events throughout his life. It just made me think I would want to know if a relative of mine started down such a path. Basically, I got all co-dependent but did not act just posed questions.

Then I noticed my bus was here and without thinking twice about it flicked my half smoking butt on the ground....not thinking twice. And hustled to get in line to board the bus. I turned back to find my lost friend from the streets of hollywood putting on this big production to conceal that he was going to smoke my still half good cig from the ground after I wouldn't even share. Literally -- my entire world caved in. I still can't get over all the feelings, many self depricating, that i was inundated with at that moment. the moment i realized whant i should have done, what i wanted to do, what i didn't care enough to do, however you phrase it.

I cannot get this out of my head, dreams, or thoughts -- and probally it will be a recurring guest for quite some time -- everytime less painful as I work through this and grow.

But I cannot stop saying to myself
WHO ARE YOU? WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING WOULD? HYPOCRIT....i digress

the main thing I cannot stop thinking is I SHOULD HAVE HANDED IT TO HIM.